Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Life is as normal as it can be for now

Well its time to get back to life at hand. I have been trying for a long time to figure out a way to get back to normal after losing Anna. Well there is no way to get things back to normal. Normal is gone for now. I have tried many different ways to hide, drown, cover, and make go away the thoughts of her and move on with out her in my life. Well I have come to the conclusion that life will never been the same again. I have someone that meant the world to me. She was my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. She carried me through the days with a smile on my face and  a warm heart. Well my heart has been hurting since the morning of May 31st. There is no simple way to get over something like this. There is no easy way to make the pain go away.  There is no way to imagine life without her here. Sometimes through the day I think of her. All night long I lay awake in bed wishing she was still here. Well I know that she will no longer be here with me or be able to share in the smiles and laughs that I have. She was the reason for my smile for a long time. And now she is the reason I cry at night. But I have also learned the she is the reason that I keep getting up in the morning and keep trying to better myself and make things right.  I try to get through the days without thinking what could have or should have been. There were plans made and dreams put into play. There were hopes for the two of us. There were many talks of many plans made between us and trips planned and all the stuff that goes along with it. We had made plans on getting a house together and starting a life with just us. But now things have changed. But now the only difference is, I have to keep on with all those plans and dreams without her. I am just not sure if i can, or if I want to. We did all this together, and planned on doing all this together. I don’t think i want to do any of them without her.


TheWaveLife said...

I think she would be honored if you took on the plans that you made together. She obviously wanted to share her life with you and believed in you. Don't disappoint her now and give up. I have a feeling she'd kick your @ss for that anyway. ;-) I love you Cuz. Call me or email me if you need me. thewavelife@gmail.com

BrendaO said...

Ray-I honestly didn't know how to respond to your post. It really concerned me-about you. I know you are a strong person but this has been an absolutely terrible year; but I know Anna would want you to hang tough. I shared your post with Candi and Nancy Walker (Arvin's sister) who is one of the greatest prayer warriors I know. She told me last night to tell you she would be praying for you daily and to remember to put your trust in God-He and only He will get you through this. Those are the words I should have been telling you. I feel so helpless, so far away and unable to help you financially.The only thing I can do is pray and I do that every day. I know you can get through this. Just remember what a great person Anna was and hang on to the memories but remember that she would want you to go on and live your life. I love you. Mom

Cynthia said...

We love you, Rain Man. Maybe this seems trivial, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I've referred to you as Raymond most of the time recently when talking to the kids. I kind of hated for them to grow up NOT knowing your real name, and I sure don't want them calling you that, if it bothers you. :P Well, I hope it doesn't bother you too much, because I can't get Aydan to call you anything besides Rain Man. :D He calls out your name at night, when we say before-bedtime prayers; and he always says "Rain Man." They might not have recent memories of you, dear friend, but you are far from forgotten! You won't and shouldn't forget Anna either, but please, look to the Lord and allow Him to ease your pain. We love you so much and will continue praying for you.

Wishing we could give you a big hug,

Cynthia (for Joel, Morgan, Aydan, Daniella, and Abigail, too)