HHHHHMMMMM

Well I have begin to wonder about some things in life. Mainly about friends. I have come to the realization that I have much fewer friends than I thought. The ones I thought were friends have recently shown just how much of a friend that they aren't. I have been going through a few rough patches in life recently and the ones who have told me 1000 times that I can count on them were no where to be found. The ones who claim that they will be there til the end, weren't there when the proverbial crap hit the fan. I have tried to blame on the winter depression up here, well I found out that nope wasn't that, it was that since I have become the one not willing to foot the bill for the drinking nights, and be at the beck and call to be the driver for the drunks that i was no longer important. So this just goes to show you that you can't depend on who you think. Take very special care of the friends that you have and the ones you know you can count on, and be wary of the ones who are there when your pockets are full and are gone when they are empty. This is one of those times I wish i was back home where I know who my friends are no matter whats in my pocket. But you never know the tax returns will be coming in soon and it might be time to go somewhere else and try something different for awhile. As much as I love it here I hate it just as much.

I have recently gotten in touch with an ex-girlfriend of mine who has done amazingly well for herself. I am very proud of her and very envious of her at the same time. She went from the girl who took me to my first rave party, and the girl who you could find any sort drug that you could imagine, to a successful military Staff Sergeant and mother of 2 beautiful boys. Her next duty station is either Germany or Japan, and the decision is left up to her. She also has a thriving restaurant that is paid off and doing great. This just shows me that you can come from the bottom and end up on top in the end. She is the same age I am and doing most of the things I have always wanted to do. This shows me that all it takes is to make the right decisions to move ahead. So now I have to figure why i all this time I have done nothing but make the wrong decisions. I have been given opportunities one after another an yet I still end up wondering in the end why am I like this. I swear its like I am purposely setting myself up for failure and I am not entirely sure as to why. I have learned a whole lot from my mistakes and also the accomplishments of people just like my ex. I just don't get why i continue to make the wrong choices over and over. As it stands right now as much as I want to leave Alaska and go somewhere else, I can't because there is a little boy who has captured my heart and my love and I cannot leave him. He is not my son, but there are times when you would think he is. The only time when I feel like I have done something right with my life is when he is sitting with me playing with his etch-a-sketch or putting the blocks in the wrong holes, well trying to anyway. When I come in the door his face lights up and my heart and knees go weak. He is one of the most captivating kids I have ever met. So I guess as it stands at this point he is the reason that i stay here and keep trying to make the right steps forward.

I haven't been to church since I moved up here until this past weekend. It was a great feeling when I walked out of that building after having my time to talk with God. He was for sure when i needed him the most. The night before I went to church, I had a few bad experiences and a really close call that could have very easily ended my life. Something kept me around through all that and kept me safe. The only answer I can come up with is that it was God himself that pulled me through. There is no reason for anyone to have went through what I did and still be alive to tell the story. I am not going to tell the story because its a situation that i am not proud of. But He knows what happened and He knew that I needed the help to get through and He was there to lend the hand. Thank you for all your payers and all your concerns of the past 1.7 years. They have been heard and greatly appreciated.

And for those of you who don't know who the little man is, his name is Joshua Blake Creek. And here is the latest picture I have of him. He has the become the world that I am working and living for.